Friday, May 15, 2015

Hiding grief

I feel like I've been doing so well hiding my grief. Its been almost 3 months since Beloved was placed for adoption and I feel like I've been grieving so wrong. When people ask how I'm dealing with things I pretend everything's OK. Truth is, everything isn't OK. I struggle being around babies and parents because it sometimes makes me want what parents have; to be caring, parenting, and being able to provide for their children. I keep wondering why the heck it still hurts. The pain and the feeling numb. It hits out of no where. It makes me feel like I just wanna be in her presence, hold her, talk to her, give her kisses and tell her how much I love her and it hurts that I can't. I never imagined grieving would be so painful and that it would never go away. I know I'll be able to handle it at certain stages. Right now I'm afraid that people would think I'm weak or depressed if they knew how much I grieved. I wish grief was just a one time thing, but it isn't and my heart will always feel that sting of pain. The grief I feel is something I never knew would break me so badly due to missing beloved. I mean I do know that hiding things in the dark will blow up in the light, which is why I don't want to hide, but I don't want to be vulnerable about my true feelings with anyone; not even myself.

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