I don't know how to respond to my grief... I don't know how to let the tears out when I feel they need to come. The reason why is because I'm afraid of people telling me how I'm supposed to grieve, feel and what to do. Nobody understands the level of grief I deal with, because the people trying to understand aren't aware of what being a birth mom is like. To have to choose better for someone, putting them above yourself is a love any mom has, but knowing you need to open your heart to something you never would have imagined doing, that's the Selfless LOVE a birth mom has. Before placing my daughter for adoption, I was sure that it would be easy and that it wouldn't hurt as much as people described. I tried to tell myself, just like others had been telling me, "you are brave, Cannille, you show selfless love and I am proud of you". Truth about this journey and about my grief, no one will understand it because they aren't walking through it. Adoption is a beautiful picture of the gospel and of love!
My grief with adoption is that our adoption is open, and it often comes from jealousy. Though I know I made the better decision with placing my birth daughter for adoption, I struggle everyday knowing she's going to be calling someone else momma. I struggle with what the future holds and not sure how it'll unfold. I get jealous because B and T could offer more to little Beloved than I ever could and it hurts that timing was all wrong and that I could/can only provide LOVE for her and sometimes, that's just not enough. Its been almost 2 months since I placed little Beloved with her forever family and the pain triggers, but ever so often I feel the unbearable pain of feeling like a piece of my heart has been torn out. The pain of loss and grief will never cease in my heart because it took so much Love from me to put Beloved first.
Sometimes I feel damaged... Damaged from the pain of loss, the jealousy I have against T, the thought of what things would look like had I never placed. Thinking about what causes the damage, I wonder too, how things would have been, would I have been a "good" parent, would my love for Beloved look different than now? Its in the most trying times though, that I still have that same peace I had when I knew I had to give this little girl life, when I chose adoption, when I sat and looked through family profiles; only to pick the best parents for Beloved, and even about almost 2 months after placement. I know I made the better decision when I gave a piece of myself to another family, for their happiness's sake. With a broken heart and that same peace that I feel walking this journey, I realized I helped build a family- not just by placing my daughter, but by finding someone to love me too.